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Come in, come in...

       Why go back home, why turn around?
       The forest calls.. Can’t you hear the sound?

Come in, come in...

       There is nothing to lose, and everything to win;
       for this, this is not like anywhere you've ever been.

       Here the trees twist, the branches twine
       the twigs crack, the leaves rustle.

       Why decline?
       You won't get far, not moving a muscle.

Don't be afraid...

       You could always stay
       just till darkness falls?
       Move.. come on, the forest calls!

Well done...

       Go on, and don't look back
       Just follow the track, step by step.

       No need to bring water, no need to bring bread.
       For you can drink from the Creek

It's all right, go ahead

       Go, eat the Berries, no need to speak
       Do not delay!

Proceed, proceed

       Don’t believe what they told you,
       about poison and deceit
       For every word is untrue.
       Drink, eat!

I wouldn't lie to you

       Your eyelids are heavy, your legs feel like lead?
       No need to keep walking
       lay down for a while instead...




Wake up!

       Time passes quickly, hours you slept!
       And while you were sleeping, darkness has crept.
       Dusk's here now, quickly gaining in power
       The entire forest it will devour.

Calm down…

       No need for fear, no need to feel blue
       Because I swear
       I'll take care of you.

       Follow the lights, that is all you have to do
       When searching for the exit, they will help you through!

Go ahead, go... here you can't stay...

       Treacherous you say?
       Why, where to else but the exit
       would the lights lead the way?

Everything will be all right...

       Witches you say, cruel, misleading?
       Now, it is nothing for a man to be pleading
       an old wive’s tale.

Just follow the lights...

       Come on now, go, pull yourself together!
       Go, and you will see for yourself whether
       when you follow the lights
       everything will be all right.

Go on... good...

       A House you see, hidden in the woods?
       Why don’t you approach.. Come on, you should!

       Go, knock, and ask polite
       if you can stay inside for the night.

We have been waiting for you.
This is a fairytaleish poem I wrote over a year ago (I had been wanting to write something about a doomy forest for ages).

Got a lot of faults though, and no structure whatsoever. Sorry, I'm not a poet ;)
Add a Comment:
 
:icondeaconstrucktor:
Surreal, I've been to that 'place' and back again.

I think the lack of strict structure is a benefit as the forest is a wild and chaotic place. A place of mystery and nightmare, disjointed and vast beyond knowing. Attempting to force a strict pattern on such a subject would lose a part of its essence.

The rhyming couplets reinforce the fairytale aspects of the poem and the repetition of certain lines seem to represent the echoes in the forest or in our minds.

I think the second part of the poem could have used another line or two reinforcing the dark aspects of the forest and oncoming night. The repeated rhyming of lights:

"Just follow the lights...

Come on now, go, pull yourself together!
Go, and you will see for yourself whether
when you follow the lights
everything will be all right."

seems awkward to me and too soon to use again in such a short time. Perhaps another line such as:

"Just follow the lights...

Come on now, go, pull yourself together!
Go, and you will see for yourself whether
*at the end of this foul night*
everything will be all right."

I think you've done a wonderful job of portraying the enticing nature of the forest in the first half of the poem and the threatening nature in the second half.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
17 out of 18 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconbapic:
I loved this poem. It's creepy, enticing, and hauntingly beautiful. The description of the forest is amazing and so vivid.

The fact that there's no specific form to this poem, I think, really adds to the chaos of the forest. I believe that since there's no specific form to the poem, this gives the forest a form.

Also, the way you used rhyme, definitely makes it sound more from a fairy tale, than if there was none.

I think you've done a fantastic job on illustrating that the things aren't always as portrayed and transitioning from one inviting "face" of the forest to the other nightmare-ish one.

Overall, marvelous job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icondoolhoofd:
doolhoofd Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014
WohOOw. Awesome.

The structure is really good, everything fits and falls into place perfectly. 


:iconplusfav:
Reply
:iconcddmanful:
cddmanful Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This forest has ulterior motives!

You do well at creating the false reassurance that can lead someone into danger, put them at ease when they should be most alert~~~
Reply
:iconliniaelizabeth:
LiniaElizabeth Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
creepy, I love it
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:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
Thank you!
Reply
:iconliniaelizabeth:
LiniaElizabeth Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
you're welcome
Reply
:iconhazyl:
Hazyl Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
How beautiful. It's a very haunting poem, and draws you in from the second you begin reading. It's very good!
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
Thank you very much! :)
Reply
:iconsupersnappz:
SuperSnappz Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Beautiful image and poem.
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013
Thank you! :)

(may I ask how you got on this page? I did make some adjustments just now, and I'm wondering if I accidentally clicked the Notify Watchers button...)
Reply
:iconsupersnappz:
SuperSnappz Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I think after replying to a comment on my pic, I took a look at your gallery, but it could have been in my inbox too lol
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
Ah ok! I just changed this one and suddenly got new comments and views, so I started wondering :P Thanks :)
Reply
:iconlimonka3:
Limonka3 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
i fall in love, and i already made a music to this, and i'm still singing it, and i hope u won't be angry, i took ur work and makes it to a - i think - good song ;d
Reply
:iconemmafragile:
emmafragile Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012
Kinda spooky.
A joy to read.
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2012
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconx-ybase:
x-ybase Featured By Owner May 29, 2012
Remids me of Tom Bombadil. Funny. :)
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
Thanks ^^
Reply
:iconliterary-magic:
literary-magic Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
really enjoyed that, it has a great surreal feeling that really got under my skin, great stuff!
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner May 22, 2012
Thank you very much! :D
Reply
:iconsolis-starweaver:
Solis-Starweaver Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Student Digital Artist
oh my sweet friggin celestia thats one of the best poems i have ever seen/read
its so cool, i read the first part it, it was in the description of a pic. i didnt see the autohr so i wondered if this was by shell silverstein, if you dont know, he wrights poems that are alot like this one, its just like some of his, magical, wimsical, weird :clap:

:iconhappyrainbowdashplz:
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:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
Haha, thank you! ;)
Reply
:iconsolis-starweaver:
Solis-Starweaver Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Student Digital Artist
:squee:
Reply
:iconcuddlybuddha:
cuddlybuddha Featured By Owner May 22, 2012
That was awesome! Thank you for sharing this.
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
Thank you for reading! :)
Reply
:iconcurious-insanity:
Curious-Insanity Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist
This is really cool.
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconkunoichi777:
Kunoichi777 Featured By Owner May 21, 2012
While it's not as structured or polished as something an experienced poet might write, I feel like I'm there in the forest! And that's what counts. Structure comes with practice, but relaying an emotion in words? That takes true talent. :)
Reply
:iconvek-nilash:
Vek-nilash Featured By Owner May 21, 2012
This needs to be in a book. o.o
Reply
:iconcddmanful:
cddmanful Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, yes you are. :love:
Reply
:iconsilverslivermoon:
SilverSliverMoon Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012  Student General Artist
This is great, I love fairy tales :D
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner May 21, 2012
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconultimatede:
ultimatede Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012
Structure is overrated, I think you did a great job with this poem. It paints a fantastic story
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2012
Thank you very much! :)
Reply
:iconanalillithbar:
analillithbar Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconbravoplz:
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2012
Thankyou!
Reply
:iconanalillithbar:
analillithbar Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:wave:
Reply
:iconceallai:
Ceallai Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love fairy tales. Especially ones that rhyme. :)
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:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2012
:)
Reply
:iconjobet2k7:
jobet2k7 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Very well written
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconjustice777:
Justice777 Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I felt as if a huntress was at the end in the house waiting for a hapless soul to become her next slave
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2012
:)
Reply
:iconimapoetaniknowit:
imapoetaniknowit Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2011
I love it!!!
Reply
:iconnelleke:
Nelleke Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2011
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconphaedris:
Phaedris Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2011
Mmm this is a lovely song... maybe we can convince Sheila Chandra [link] to come out of retirement to record the song. (Sheila's hand gestures (mudras) in that video really remind me of your "Hands" Gallery)

:rose:
Reply
:icondancingdreamingdaisy:
DancingDreamingDaisy Featured By Owner May 23, 2011
Wauw! Ik wist helemaal niet dat je ook gedichten schreef, maar deze - in combinatie met die foto - is echt zo mooi..een beetje kippenvelbezorgend ofzo! :)
Reply
:iconmageara2:
Mageara2 Featured By Owner May 19, 2011
I like it. The rhyme is cool and the pattern is off slightly but it's wonderous. It very much reminds me of an Irish folk tale or something that I would dream. lol
Reply
:icontripoverflatsurfaces:
TripOverFlatSurfaces Featured By Owner May 14, 2011  Student General Artist
Should've known your poems would still have the same haunting quality as your photographs. Very creepy. I loved reading this. Although the word "track" in the second line of the fourth stanza makes me think of a track for running, and that kind of ruins the effect. Maybe it's just me, but still, that word bothers me. ^^
Reply
:iconstargate4ever23:
stargate4ever23 Featured By Owner May 9, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ITs so creepy....I likes it. XD It sounds really good to me. :)
Reply
:iconsol15cullen:
Sol15Cullen Featured By Owner May 9, 2011
I would write a critique... But I'm too awestruck to find words to say anything!
Wow...
Loved it!
Reply
:iconiceofwolf:
iceofwolf Featured By Owner May 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
While I like it as it is... you did ask, so I am gonna point at bits that read a little off.

There are a couple of short lines amid longer lines. Most of them feel natural hanging at the end of a block, but one of them starts the block. "Why decline?" I feel like this one should be lengthened. Even just repeating it, "Why decline? Why decline?" fills the line out and adds some emphasis to the suggestion.

And further down, on the line "Why, where to else but the exit", the to seems extraneous.

And I have to reiterate, it is a good piece even if you say you're not a poet. Rhyme and meter do not a poem make.
Reply
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Submitted on
September 29, 2009
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